My Story

So a while ago I realized that a lot of people who have a blog have had some type of body image disorder or is on a quest to lose weight. When I took a look back on my last year I realized I too had one. I’ve never shared this story with anyone. So if you are in the mood for a light fun post…today is not the day.

2 years ago I broke up with my at the time boyfriend and for the first time in my life I decided I wanted to be single. I had never been single longer than 2 weeks but I was determined to get out on my own and be by myself. I got sick A LOT that winter and kept losing weight from the flus(or going out too much?). After I noticed weight dropping off I started working out like crazy (3 times a day) and measuring my food so I would have no more than 1000 calories a day.

I wanted to go see Brody Jenner in Atlantic City in January of 2010. I was about 115 pounds (5’5”) which is the lowest amount you can be for that height but I was not satisfied. I still thought I was “fat”. I didn’t touch carbs that entire week before our trip and worked out non-stop. I had people tell me I was too skinny and Brody was not going to like that look. I clearly thought they were crazy because I was still “fat” in my mind. I had a body image disorder which eventually led to an eating disorder.

Did I meet him? Yes. Did we fall in love and runaway? No. Was it because I was too skinny? Probably not. But after that day I ate everything I had been holding off on. I had a milkshake from Burger King, a large fry, a bacon and egg breakfast and I can’t even remember what else but it was like I was bingeing because I wanted everything I had been telling myself I couldn’t have for the past couple of months.

That week I got word that I was going to the Super Bowl to be a playboy golf girl so I decided to go back to my crazy workouts/dieting. I had been so stressed that I hadn’t been able to digest any food (TMI?) and was eating everything unhealthy we had…mac and cheese, ice cream, cookies, gummy snacks etc. Well it didn’t work. I just felt bloated and went to Miami anyways.

My clothes were falling off of me and I asked my mom if we could go stop by the mall so I could get new outfits. I didn’t feel comfortable in any of my old clothes because they were too big. I weighed 110-112 pounds at the playboy event and by the time it was over I was so done with dieting and working out like a maniac.

The only problem was that I’m an all or nothing type of girl. So my strict ways of eating and exercising now became eat whatever you want and as much as you want as fast as you can. Once I stopped disciplining myself I started eating really unhealthy. Reeses pancakes for breakfast, Wendy’s for lunch, Ice cream for a snack, Hot dogs and mac and cheese for dinner (ew, this doesn’t even sound delicious).

I noticed I started gaining weight and that made me unhappy of course – but what did i do? I kept eating. I had screwed my body up SO much by basically starving myself that I was no longer getting my period (sorry again for the TMI but its necessary). My body was in shock and I waited over 6 months before I got another period. In that 6 months I gained TWENTY pounds. I was so depressed about the weight gain etc that the only thing I did was eat everything I wanted on a Sunday night so I could start fresh on Monday. This ultimately back fired because I would eat so much on a Sunday night that it didn’t matter if I starved myself Monday – I was still having more than enough calories put into my body.

September 2010 I had gained 22 pounds. 22 pounds in months. How is that possible? Stress? Check. Overeating? Check.

I went to the doctor and begged for some type of magic weight loss. She assured me that we needed to get my hormones in check so I would start to feel regular again. When we finally got them in check I lost about 10 pounds which I was satisfied with. I stopped bingeing, I stopped pouting and I got back to the gym. I would say that I was still going a little hard in the gym (taking 3 classes within 24 hours) but I was eating the right amount of calories so I wasn’t too worried about it.

I haven’t binged in over 6 months – I know what my triggers are, I know how to control them and I hope that I can be strong. I don’t calorie count, I don’t weigh myself, I don’t sit around to the point where I’m SO bored and I don’t eat too much sugar earlier on in the day because I KNOW I will want more and more later.

I am in a HEALTHY relationship and have a very supportive boyfriend who loves food just as much as I do (especially dessert) but keeps me in check. I do eat what I want (in moderation), work out (i shoot for 5 times a week) and I make a lot of healthy choices during the day so I can enjoy ONE piece of dessert every night. All of these things helped me come back to the healthy beautiful woman I wanted to be.

I held off on this story because I feel like a lot of people look to me for advice and I wanted to show women (young and old) that it’s OK to talk about it, it’s OK that it happened and it’s amazing when you get healthy again. I was inspired by other bloggers to write this post and hopefully I can inspire one person to write theirs. At one point I told myself I would never share this because I didn’t want to show an imperfection in my life. But, it’s reality. It happened. I’m healthy. I’m happy.

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31 Comments to “My Story”

  1. Congrats to you! This is going to inspire and motivate a lot of people

  2. Good for you! I can definitely relate to the pressure to lose weight/ stay skinny and to the bingeing. Weight loss is so hard for many people because in order to lose weight, you have to stick with it. It is so great how you were able to get your body under control and back to a happy place. I am currently struggling to lose the 16 pounds I gained since starting my desk job, it’s just so hard when there are always delicious foods/ opportunities to eat out.

  3. thanks for sharing 🙂
    And you are beautiful! It’s hard to tell yourself that sometimes, I know first-hand, but I’m glad you’re at a place where you’re comfortable and supported.

  4. I’ve never seen you happier and I love you!

  5. Love this post! You are so brave, and honest! And inspiring! 🙂 I know all about the binge eating and feeling bad about yourself, so you just eat more. I’m sort of going through that now, and trying to stop. So thanks for this!

  6. Danielle and i were recently discussing these kind of topics. Sadly, I think every girl at one time or another had some kind of issue with their bodies. I know I’ve been there and been at the extreme end of both as well, losing a lot of weight and being exercised obsessed with eating nothing (I have a “livejournal” account from around 2003 where I tracked my food and workouts. I looked back at it recently and couldn’t even believe that I used to eat so little and workout so much!) And I’ve also been at the gained a lot of weight end too. I have been counting calories since january pretty much regularly and obviously I dont want to do that my whole life but right now it’s working for me. I dont yet have the self control to monitor my food without doing so! I wouldnt never say I ever had a full blown eating disorder but others looking at me from an outside view might see it differently. Overall, though, you are so smart to recognize that in yourself and know how to handle it now! And talking about it publicly on your blog was probably so scary but so brave =) I think your story is definitely an inspiration because of the handle you have on your body image issues!
    ~Jenn

  7. Thanks for sharing your story! Never an easy thing to do!
    The journey to health is a long road for everyone. You look beautiful (as always) and healthy 🙂 xo

  8. It takes A LOT of courage to be able to tell your story to people since most times the person who has it wants to keep their eating /body image disorders private. There are very few people I have felt comfortable around to tell my full story, not because I feel ashamed but because I am a perfectionist and want to be perfect. Everyone knows nothing is perfect though and I feel like that is the catch. I’ll always be working on this issue.

    Thank you again for writing this post because it has allowed me to realize more people have eating issues and have been able to overcome them, and that I am not alone ❤

  9. Thanks for sharing your story! It seems like every girl at one point or another faces a struggle with eating, some get more serious than others but they all stem from the same thing and the need to feel more in control. You are definitely not alone, and I’m glad that you found your balance!

  10. Major kudos to you for posting such an honest and personal account of your struggles with food, weight and exercise! Many of us food/fitness/fash bloggers (and, who am I kidding, pretty much all girls) are easily swayed to portray this self-conceived image of perfection. In normal life we just want to look our best; on Facebook and in the blogosphere we can tweak our images according to our perceptions of what we think is perfect so that others will perceive us as such. Given our propensity for perfectionism (or vanity, or both), many of us can get carried away. Heck, I know I sure do. Since the bar for physical beauty gets raised every time a new photoshopped model or Kim Kardashian’s geometry-defying bum or Megan Fox’s waist size shows up in the glossies, we’re always upping the ante for ourselves to be hotter, tanner, thinner, and more perfect. We starve and sweat it out and then, if we’re lucky, we realize that 1000 calories a day and 3 hours of exercise on top of a full work day is not healthy. Some of us never come to this realization. Some of us never get help. Some of us are too scared or too ashamed to say anything. You managed to put your foot down, assess your situation in a sober and sagacious manner, and take all the necessary steps you needed to get back on track. I hope that you get a million views and comments on this post because there are millions of girls who should hear it. Also, I think you should submit your story to Self, or, better yet, to Marie Claire. Keep up the great work! 🙂 xo Tanzi

  11. Thanks for this story, it’s so good to hear that you have found a healthy balance. It’s so sad how common disordered eating and eating disorders are amongst women no matter whether it’s too much food, too little food, both, or unhealthy weight loss tactics.

  12. I can be an all or nothing girl myself. I never had any serious weight issues or eating disorders, but my relationship with food would get extreme at times..my lowest was 103lbs an highest was 144lbs. My steady state weight is about 116lb (not with baby though!)

    I’m glad you found a balance that works for you!!!!

  13. Thanks for sharing your story! It’s definitely something I (and MANY others) can relate to. Props to you for having the courage to share! 🙂 You’re amazing!!

  14. I’m so glad you’ve overcome that!! Thanks for sharing your story.

  15. and girlfriend, you look so GOOD now that you’re healthy. much, much better. 🙂 thank you for sharing this.. I know it took lots and lots of courage to put it out there, and I’m prouda yo pretty face.

  16. You look beautiful (though I’ll admit, not a single one of these pictures didn’t look lovely), but I’m so glad that now you’re HAPPY as well as healthy!! When I first started losing weight, I went HARDCORE as I was living alone and could just throw myself into the diet/exercise thing completely. When the weight goes flying off, it’s hard not to feel proud/keep going.

    It wasn’t until I guess one night I had a few too many drinks (MUCH less than I used to be able to drink) that it hit me how much I’d lost and how much my body had changed. And also, how eating nothing but a grilled chicken breast and some fruit bites for lunch wasn’t good pre-NOLA food.

    Way to recognize your triggers and avoid binging, I’m sure life is much more enjoyable without that hanging from your neck!

  17. You are one brave girly! I feel lucky that this was the first post of yours that I read. We have def done some of the same things in the past. I must say, you are absolutely glowing in that last picture. Living life to it’s fullest!!

  18. *hugs*
    i remember how SCARY a “coming out” post about my ED issues was for me (not to advertise but: http://clg1213.blogspot.com/2009/07/personal-post.html). i’d hinted at some body image issues, food control, and over-exercising, but this was a new level. SCARY but really worthwhile for me and for KNOWING that i may make someone else feel less alone

  19. I am really happy you found your balance. You are beautiful & you look very happy! Thanks for sharing your story!!

  20. Thanks for sharing your story! So many girls/women have gone through what you have and i’m sure by talking about this you have made someone feel like they’re not alone. I can relate with you about restriction and calorie counting, but I’m glad you’ve found a healthy, happy place!

  21. such an amazing story! you honestly do look happiest and healthiest in the last picture!! xoxo glad you figured everything out – in the end, it all took you to a happy place!

    -courtney

  22. You are an amazing woman, lady! Huge props to you for telling such a serious story and big part of your life. It definitely is a common occurrence in the blogosphere to read about people with ED’s or recovering from them. I am so so so glad that you’re healthy, happy, and absolutely beautiful. You inspire me =) ❤

  23. How touching. I’ve dealt with an eating disorder myself and was inpatient with anorexia 6 years ago. I’m only now trying to find a healthy balance. I eat well now but have overexercised untill a health scare 2 weeks ago, now I’ve cut back on my workouts and am listening to my body. I went into severe adrenal fatigue and lost weight from overexercising. Now I’m eating 6 healthy meals a day and only weight training 4 days a week. My goal now is to get my body healthy and strong and quit analyzing every muscle in the mirror to see if I have enough definition or if I’m bloated. Its a terrible vicious cycle. Thank you for sharing and your a beautiful girl and I’m glad u found a good man.

  24. What an amazing story. Thank you so much for sharing! Honestly, it’s helpful to hear your story, because it makes my crazy relationship with food seem a little less crazy! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who struggles with a “moderation” approach. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person as well. (And I’ve totally done those Sunday night binges before a Monday-diet) Thanks again for sharing, girl!

  25. What a story! I am glad you are @ a good place and we can learn from you.

  26. It was really brave of you to put yourself out there and share your story. I think it makes you more of a valid source to get advice from because you’ve overcome something like this!

  27. Thanks for sharing your story! Its incredible how especially women have such a ridiculous relationship with food and our bodies, whether its overeating, undereating, not liking how we look, or being obsessed with our looks… Good for you for taking care of yourself!

  28. Alyssa, thanks for sharing the story! You went through some really hard times, it is so unfair how many beautiful girls have to struggle to reach something that is called “healthy, sexy, admirable etc.” It is becoming harder and harder to accept our bodies as they look and to learn to love them. I am so glad you have found your way to do this after all the struggle! You are an inspiration for all the other girls who still wait to find their own way 🙂

  29. thank you so much for sharing your story! i really think that it helps everyone when we’re all open & honest! i definitely know what it’s like to go on the binge/restrict roller coaster and it is easier to know there are others out there who have gone what you’ve gone through, too!
    thanks again, girl, you’re awesome!

  30. Sorry I’m a bit late for writing- catching up on posts- but I’m so glad you decided to share your story! I’m also so glad that you realized what you were doing was not good for you body & went about fixing things the RIGHT way. You are GORGEOUS 😀 & I love that last picture of you!

  31. I’m actually thinking about going back inpatient in the next few weeks for my eating disorder. For some reason I just can’t seem to put the weight on myself even though I want to. I’ve cut my workouts down but I’m still not doing something right. Its frustrating

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