So a while ago I realized that a lot of people who have a blog have had some type of body image disorder or is on a quest to lose weight. When I took a look back on my last year I realized I too had one. I’ve never shared this story with anyone. So if you are in the mood for a light fun post…today is not the day.
2 years ago I broke up with my at the time boyfriend and for the first time in my life I decided I wanted to be single. I had never been single longer than 2 weeks but I was determined to get out on my own and be by myself. I got sick A LOT that winter and kept losing weight from the flus(or going out too much?). After I noticed weight dropping off I started working out like crazy (3 times a day) and measuring my food so I would have no more than 1000 calories a day.
I wanted to go see Brody Jenner in Atlantic City in January of 2010. I was about 115 pounds (5’5”) which is the lowest amount you can be for that height but I was not satisfied. I still thought I was “fat”. I didn’t touch carbs that entire week before our trip and worked out non-stop. I had people tell me I was too skinny and Brody was not going to like that look. I clearly thought they were crazy because I was still “fat” in my mind. I had a body image disorder which eventually led to an eating disorder.
Did I meet him? Yes. Did we fall in love and runaway? No. Was it because I was too skinny? Probably not. But after that day I ate everything I had been holding off on. I had a milkshake from Burger King, a large fry, a bacon and egg breakfast and I can’t even remember what else but it was like I was bingeing because I wanted everything I had been telling myself I couldn’t have for the past couple of months.
That week I got word that I was going to the Super Bowl to be a playboy golf girl so I decided to go back to my crazy workouts/dieting. I had been so stressed that I hadn’t been able to digest any food (TMI?) and was eating everything unhealthy we had…mac and cheese, ice cream, cookies, gummy snacks etc. Well it didn’t work. I just felt bloated and went to Miami anyways.
My clothes were falling off of me and I asked my mom if we could go stop by the mall so I could get new outfits. I didn’t feel comfortable in any of my old clothes because they were too big. I weighed 110-112 pounds at the playboy event and by the time it was over I was so done with dieting and working out like a maniac.
The only problem was that I’m an all or nothing type of girl. So my strict ways of eating and exercising now became eat whatever you want and as much as you want as fast as you can. Once I stopped disciplining myself I started eating really unhealthy. Reeses pancakes for breakfast, Wendy’s for lunch, Ice cream for a snack, Hot dogs and mac and cheese for dinner (ew, this doesn’t even sound delicious).
I noticed I started gaining weight and that made me unhappy of course – but what did i do? I kept eating. I had screwed my body up SO much by basically starving myself that I was no longer getting my period (sorry again for the TMI but its necessary). My body was in shock and I waited over 6 months before I got another period. In that 6 months I gained TWENTY pounds. I was so depressed about the weight gain etc that the only thing I did was eat everything I wanted on a Sunday night so I could start fresh on Monday. This ultimately back fired because I would eat so much on a Sunday night that it didn’t matter if I starved myself Monday – I was still having more than enough calories put into my body.
September 2010 I had gained 22 pounds. 22 pounds in months. How is that possible? Stress? Check. Overeating? Check.
I went to the doctor and begged for some type of magic weight loss. She assured me that we needed to get my hormones in check so I would start to feel regular again. When we finally got them in check I lost about 10 pounds which I was satisfied with. I stopped bingeing, I stopped pouting and I got back to the gym. I would say that I was still going a little hard in the gym (taking 3 classes within 24 hours) but I was eating the right amount of calories so I wasn’t too worried about it.
I haven’t binged in over 6 months – I know what my triggers are, I know how to control them and I hope that I can be strong. I don’t calorie count, I don’t weigh myself, I don’t sit around to the point where I’m SO bored and I don’t eat too much sugar earlier on in the day because I KNOW I will want more and more later.
I am in a HEALTHY relationship and have a very supportive boyfriend who loves food just as much as I do (especially dessert) but keeps me in check. I do eat what I want (in moderation), work out (i shoot for 5 times a week) and I make a lot of healthy choices during the day so I can enjoy ONE piece of dessert every night. All of these things helped me come back to the healthy beautiful woman I wanted to be.
I held off on this story because I feel like a lot of people look to me for advice and I wanted to show women (young and old) that it’s OK to talk about it, it’s OK that it happened and it’s amazing when you get healthy again. I was inspired by other bloggers to write this post and hopefully I can inspire one person to write theirs. At one point I told myself I would never share this because I didn’t want to show an imperfection in my life. But, it’s reality. It happened. I’m healthy. I’m happy.